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11 April 2008 @ 04:32 pm
I really should refer to this as my third stab at it. I've abandonded this journal for a while before, but never THIS long! Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to update my journal today. I was looking over it and realized how my prior entries really helped me remember a time in my life that I had forgotten a lot about. I don't promise to take this up again, as I am in my second year of graduate school and extremely busy. But I want to have this later - this snapshot of what my life was like on April 11, 2008. So here it is:

1. Cliff and I have been engaged for about 2 weeks. I'm still not used to the ring, and I hate the word fiance, but I've really loved every moment of it. Reading prior entries, I'm surprised to hear myself say that I didn't think Cliff was the person I was meant to be with forever. It actually really makes me sad to read that. Cliff is everything I've ever wanted, and it's odd that I didn't fully understand that then.

2. School is really hard. It's not exactly hard the way I thought it was going to be: each individual day or week is very tolerable. It's much harder in ways I didn't expect, though. I didn't really realize how long 5 years is, and I didn't understand how hard it is to just keep going and going and going and going for term after term after term. I really need a break, and it's hard knowing there's not really ever a break in sight. They say the second year of the program is the hardest, so maybe that's the problem

3. I don't know who to vote for in the upcoming primary elections. This one will really make me laugh when I read this years later. I'm really leaning toward Obama, but I like Clinton too. Cliff and I are going to go try to hear Chelsea Clinton speak tomorrow night, but Cliff wasn't sure whether we could get tickets in time. Anyway, that could be pretty cool. This country really needs a change. I'm extremely dissatisfied with the current state of affairs. The Bush adminstration has left me feeling angry, cynical, and disillusioned.

Let's see here . . . I don't have much time left to write, so I need to steer away from the big things that are going on in my life and focus more on providing my future self with a snapshot of this current moment.

4. It's 4:45 pm and the PSC closes at 5:00. I promised myself I would leave at 4:00 when I was done with scheduled events, but I never seem to leave when I intend. Maybe I'm just dreading having to go sit on the bus. But I want to see Cliff. But I don't want to go sit on the bus. Or stand and wait for the bus.

5. Jaime and AJ have prepared a "girls night in" for Monday night in order to celebrate my engagement. They say they have great things planned, and I suspect this involves alcohol. I'm a little worried about what could be planned that involves Jaime, AJ, alcohol, and not going anywhere. Okay, I'm not actually worried. Whatever it is will be fun. I'm also touched that they are so happy for me that they want to plan a special event. I have good friends.

6. I'm recovering from some sort of collection of infections. Apparently the most probable diagnosis was pertussis, but it could have just been bronchitis or pneumonia. It has been miserable. I'm still having coughing fits when I laugh or exert myself, and it's been weeks. About 4 weeks.

7. My butt hurts from sitting all day.

8. Our stats group projects were due today and when Becca emailed the final version to Sue and I she said that put together the papers weighed about the amount of a kitten.

9. I'm getting hungry for dinner.

Okay, that's it for now. I'll update this journal when I feel like it and at no other time.
 
 
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
 
 
01 June 2006 @ 06:15 pm
I'm getting nervous about the change in lifestyle that I will soon experience. I am going to be studying and reading all the time, I am going to be very stressed, and not least, I am going to be very poor. In fact, I have yet to figure out how I'm going to get by. I guess I just have to sit down and work out a budget.

Jenny and Shaun will have their second child then, so they'll be less available to talk on the phone, but I guess I'll be experiencing a similar loss of free time.

I AM kind of looking forward to the schooling though. I remember when I was in college and I studied for a while, activities after I was done were more rewarding than usual. Going for a walk or to the gym, watching TV or listening to music, talking on the phone or eating are so much more enjoyable after you've been looking at a textbook for 3 hours. Maybe this will kind of bring me back to life.

I've been stocking up on clothes, shoes, furniture, decor, and other things that will keep me happy in school. If I'm not going to have any money to spend on these things, I should have everything I need going into this.
 
 
Current Mood: uncomfortableresigned
 
 
01 June 2006 @ 06:06 pm
Well, well, well. I worked out a total of 20 days in May. I followed the contract and did not count any activities not on the list. It wasn't fun and at times I really wished I hadn't drawn up the contract, but it was really effective in getting me to work out on days when I definitely would not have. I don't get a massage, but I do get to enjoy sushi this month. I'm not sure the massage would have been a good idea anyway; I'm trying to save some money for my move.

I'm not going to draw up a contract for June's exercise, because I just don't want to. I do want to see if I can work out 20 days or more in June without figuratively holding myself at gunpoint. Today is the 1st and I'm not working out due to muscle soreness, so I'm not certain what kind of start I'm going to get on the month. However, I don't have as many weekend trips planned that could distract me and keep me away from the gym.
 
 
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
 
 
01 May 2006 @ 10:23 pm
Love  
I'm so in love with Cliff. It's weird, because it's not an entirely positive feeling. It feels kind of itchy and uncomfortable and strange, and I didn't think that love was supposed to feel like that. For a while I was asking people what love felt like and what their experiences have been with the . . . matter. I received varied responses, although none of them were what I was looking for. I've stopped asking people because now there's no question in my mind that this is it. I always thought love was a black and white thing - like a neuron that either fires or it doesn't. But there are degrees, and I guess I should have figured as much all along. But how could I have known? I've experiences smaller amounts of love before, but it was much more unreliable, and it wasn't always returned.

I don't necessarily think that Cliff is who I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life - so I hesitate to feel too deeply for him or sacrifice too much for him, because I know that it will only hurt me more when it's over. When I expressed some version of that to him, Cliff said he has a more optimistic view of relationships. I don't know whether that means he hopes he'll marry me, or just that he thinks it's possible to have a great relationsip with somebody end without any sort of emotional pain.

I think that there are so many lessons I need to learn in life before I "settle down," and I'm guessing that I'm going to learn how to love somebody and learn how to make compromises with them and for them and learn how to be with them, and then experience the loss of all of that. Maybe everybody has to go through that.

Then again, I could end up alone for the rest of my life and never marry or have children.

Then again, I could marry Cliff.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
 
 
01 May 2006 @ 10:20 pm
I'm slightly worried about my cat. When I play with her and she runs and jumps for a while she has a really hard time catching her breath and she pants a lot. The panting is really quite cute, but it worries me nevertheless. I think I'll keep an eye on it and if it persists I'll call the vet. Well, I guess I'll try an over-the-counter hairball product first. I hope she doesn't have asthma - that could be dangerous and expensive.
 
 
Current Mood: worriedconcerned
 
 
 
30 April 2006 @ 09:56 pm
I am very proud of myself. On April 9th, I started a system where I got a colorful sticker on my wall calendar for each day I went to the gym and worked out. Out of the 22 days I had remaining in the month, I have a sticker on 15. So I worked out on approximately 68% of all days! Good for you, Kelly.

There are 31 days in May, and my goal is to maintain my 68% average, meaning I should work out for 21 days. Perhaps I should set some consequences for myself. Okay, here we go. If I work out fewer than 20 days, I will not be allowed to eat sushi in June (of 2006, not all future Junes.) This means I cannot eat anything from a sushi restaurant, or any sushi item from a grocer, including pure raw salmon. Even if I don't dip it in soy sauce. If I work out 20, 21 or 22 times there will be no consequence, positive or negative. If I work out between 23 and 29 times, I will have earned a one hour professional massage. If I work out 30 or 31 times, I will pursue inpatient psychiatric treatment.

Perhaps I should set some guidelines about what constitutes a workout:

A workout can be any of the following:

1. A session of cardiovascular exercise in the upstairs portion of the gym lasting at least 30 but preferrably 45 minutes. If a crisis call is received during that time requiring me to leave the gym, there is no penalty. I will get credit for the workout.

2. Running on Atlantic City Avenue at least to the park and back, or running on the beach for a minimum of 15 minutes.

3. Walking briskly from Fin's Restaurant to the end of the Pismo Pier and back.

4. Swimming with minimal stops for one hour.

5. An exercise video at home - if I do the ENTIRE thing.

6. Any full-length group class at the gym: yoga, GroupPower, step aerobics, etc. 20 or 30 minute stretch or toning classes cannot be counted as a full workout.

And the fine print:

a. Should I become ill in May I will not forfeit my sushi priviledges in June.
b. Should any sort of serious personal or family-related emergency arise during the month of May which requires me to leave town for more than 2 days, I will not forfeit my sushi priviledges in June.
c. Any cause which warrants unexpected time off work will result in equal time off of the exercise schedule without penalty.
d. Each day I have worked out must be marked with a sticker in a timely manner. Stickers will not be granted after the day in question unless:
i. Fewer than 48 hours have passed, and
ii. I have a clear and distinct memory of the exercise session, including at least one thing that happened during that session that makes it unique from others.

Wow. That was a fun little agreement to draw up with myself! I'm going to stick to it. If I don't, I'll never be able to trust myself!
 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
 
 
29 April 2006 @ 11:12 pm
Today Kim and Roy took me to dinner at A.J. Spurs and it was a really good time. It was weird to remember coming to the same restaurant my first night in California with Aaron and Marguerite. It had been during that dinner that my unhappiness about the transistion first appeared. I've come so far since then, and met so many great people.
 
 
29 April 2006 @ 12:09 am
I find it comical that my most recent entry made a point about how long it had been since my last entry. It had been about two weeks - now it's been six months. Perhaps it would be better to start a new journal entirely! No, I won't be able to remember that many usernames.

Nobody I know knows I am updating again, and I find that rather refreshing. I like the idea of sending something out into a void and I'm really the only one that has access to it. Or at least the knowledge to access it. It provides me with a wonderful sense of freedom. Don't get me wrong, possible reader, if you are here you are welcome to stay.

Now is a particularly good time for lists. Here is a list of the major changes in my life since my last entries:

1. I was accepted into the Psy.D. program at Pacific University and I have agreed to enter. I am moving to Portland, Oregon in August. All that stress about applications, the future, etc, is basically gone. I feel very comfortable and secure with my decision, I've been really impressed with my interactions with the school so far, and I'm positive this is a good decision. I'm looking forward to fall.

2. I am in a . . . relationship . . . with Cliff. We have declared our love for one another. He is moving to Portland in the fall and will be entering Portland State University to study for a B.S. in mathematics so he can teach high school math. I could write a small novel about the details of how I feel about Cliff and what has happened and what I predict and what everybody thinks, etc, but it's not practical. Essentially, this is a good thing in my life. I really do love him and I think it's good that he's moving to Portland and I think there's some potential there.

3. I got a new cat. Her name is Sally and she is very sweet and cute and playful, but not brilliant. She eats a lot and drinks a lot of water and likes to be brushed and she has claws but doesn't misuse them in an unforgiveable way. She's a good cat, and I've really let Baxter go.

4. I have turned 25. I am an adult by ALL legal measures, and I truly feel like an adult. I still feel young, and will probably enjoy that for several more years, but I am an adult and have been for quite a while. People take me seriously and I am referred to as "ma'am" rather than "miss" and I have actual credit (good credit) and I'm figuring out all my own financial stuff for school and I decided to go to graduate school all on my own, with input from others but mostly relying on my own opinions. I am so proud of myself and of the person I have become. It's weird - with that pride comes an incredible sense of gratitude toward my parents. I spent so much time focusing on what they did wrong, and I really regret that. The truth is, my parents gave me a great life. I had many joys in my childhood, and my parents provided me with wonderful opportunities. I wouldn't be who I am today without either one of them, and I'm in awe of the sacrifices they made for me.

5. Amy has moved with Jasmine to Seattle to live with Jesse, as he is making great efforts to be a helpful and involved father. They're having trouble getting along sometimes, and Amy complains to me a lot about him. I listen carefully and offer encouraging words, and I feel bad for her that things aren't that easy. However, I feel good about the situation she's in. She's safe there, she's gettting the bills paid, she doesn't have to deal with her destructive mother, Jesse is still clean and is really trying to do the right thing, she's meeting new people, and she has a new job as a teller at Bank of America. I think this is the right thing for her to do to get on her feet financially and even emotionally. Amy worries sometimes about Jasmine - how much bad behavior is normal, is it good or bad for her to be around Jesse, etc. I think everything will be okay. Jasmine is in preschool now, so she's getting stable influences from her teachers, as well as some good socializaiton. I think her childhood might not be easy and I definitely think she'll rebel as a teenager, but I think she'll grow up into somebody who realizes that her mother did the best she could and loves her for that. I'll never tell Amy this in those exact words, because it makes it sound as if I don't think she's doing a good job. I do think she's doing a good job - it's just that things haven't been easy.

6. My good friends Jenny and Shaun are expecting another child. I'm really happy for them, and I think they're doing a good thing by bringing children into the world. I wish I could have had more time with Seamus over the course of his life, but unfortunately circumstances dictate that I see him a total of 4 times before he enters college. He appears to be a very happy, healthy, smart little boy. Their next child is a girl, and I'm happy for them that they get the experience of raising children of both sexes. I have expressed my displeasure at the possibility of them naming their child Hannah, but the truth is I don't really mind. I think it's a classy name, and I trust Jenny and Shaun to give their children tasteful names. I haven't been able to talk to Jenny much lately, as I'm afraid to call because she might be at the hospital or asleep or busy with Seamus. Alas - I'm sure we'll reconnect soon.

That may be about it. I plan to post some more in the coming days - I think an update was needed on this neglected journal. I would like to apologize if any wording was incorrect or unclear - I am excessively tired. Then again, there is about a .02% chance anybody other than me will read this ever.
 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
31 October 2005 @ 09:16 pm
It has certainly been a long time since my last update! What's new with me?

1. Graduate school progress. I am taking the GRE Subject test in 12 days. I have the admission ticket in a safe place, but I still need to scout out the location ahead of time so that I know exactly where I'm going. I have contacted everybody for the letters of recommendation, and will need to call one of the professors in a couple of days to talk about everything. All is well on that front. This week I need to have my GRE General test scores and my transcripts sent to me, and start working some more on the online applications. Over the next couple of weeks I need to start drafting my letters of intent and my autobiographical statement. Then I'll be in pretty good shape. Things are going relatively smoothly, and I've had MUCH less stress about all of this than last month.

2. Cliff. My friend Cliff came out to visit me, and things went. . .very, very well. I wish he was still out here, and I'm looking forward to seeing him in December. We drove up to Portland to look at the schools there, and it was a really good trip. It was a long drive - over 900 miles each way, but I had good company. Future posts may discuss Portland in further detail, but in the interest of brevity I'll spare the details in this post. Cliff stayed with me for 10 days, and I dropped him off at the airport yesterday.

3. Halloween. I dressed as a telephone, and Cliff dressed as a cliff. Both costumes were creative and hilarious, and were well received by all. And I was full able to receive all of the comments. With my receiver. My costume was elaborate and unwieldy, but Cliff's was downright uncomfortable to wear. The upper grassy embankment was attached to his body by a system of hand-twisted steel rods, velcro straps, and broken, splintered wooden dowels. Poor Cliff.

4. The Letter. I got a 2 page, handwritten letter in the mail the other day from a Jehovah's Witness, and it was hand-addressed using my exact name and address. My last name wasn't spelled incorrectly or anything. Creepy. The return address provides a first name (Linda) and a P.O. Box.

5. I started on my Christmas shopping. I want to finish early so that the holiday season carries a reduced amount of stress and financial burden. I think it's a good plan.

Okay, that's about it. Life is alright.
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
 
 
11 October 2005 @ 10:15 pm
Readers who are not Kelly, please note: This entry is probably a bit boring. And whiny. I just wanted to sit down and talk about stress, in the hopes that it would somehow relieve my stress.

Lately I have been having a lot of trouble dealing with stress. Try as I might, I cannot stop the physiological stress symptoms that come about when I deal with the dreaded grad-school-application-process. There is a lot to do to prepare my applications, so I need to sit down and work on all of this at least 3 times a week. A major stress has been securing my letters of recommendation. I was uncomfortable with the idea to begin with: none of my professors knew me personally! So asking them was a big deal for me, and now I'm having all sorts of problems with the recommendation forms that each school wants the recommender fill out in addition to the letter. These forms ask the applicant to fill out the top and sign it, and then send it to the recommender. One professor that I asked just told me to give him a list of the schools I am applying to, and he'll send the letters. So what about the forms? Was he just agreeing to write a letter, but he's unwilling to fill out forms? Or was he unsure about what I was asking him to do for me? I don't know. So after dancing around it for a week, I finally sent him an e-mail describing the situaion and asking him if he was willing to fill out the forms as well. I think that was probably the right thing to do - if he's willing to do this, great! If he says no, I'll just have to write another professor and ask for the same thing, but be more explicit about what I need. I guess I'll get a reply from him tomorrow.

This shouldn't be this hard. I just want to get into a master's program in psychology, for crying out loud! There were people I shared classes with at CSU (interested in graduate education) who didn't know the difference between there, their, and they're. But they're laughing all the way to the welcoming party for their M.A. program now, because they actually TALKED to their professors.

Every time I think about this whole thing I start sweating profusely (I didn't notice a drop that had hit the space bar, and now there's a spot), I can't concentrate on anything else (I can't read or watch TV), I poop this terrible watery poop, my shoulders tense, and my breathing becomes shallow and rapid. At times like these I consider crying, but I fear that I wouldn't stop.

Anyway, so I did yoga today, and got a pedicure, and took a bath with stress-relieving soap, and did two 300 piece jigsaw puzzles. But I'm still stressed. So I'm changing tactics now: 2 melatonin tablets, and deciding to deal with all of this tomorrow after I get a reply from that professor. Hopefully tomorrow's post will report some satisfying progress!
 
 
Current Mood: stressedstressed